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Jillian Michaels said that, by the way. “Everything in this world has a purpose except for shame.” I first read that in her book Unlimited.
I know shame well. Do you? *Ok, besides that GOT scene.*
Shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
It’s synonymous with humiliation, mortification, discomfort…anything or anyone that makes you feel less than.
Do we really think that deserves any prime real estate in our lives?
What does shame feel like in your body? Shame, like trauma, puts the body in a freeze state and lowers the ability to think and act clearly. Shame feels like a fog or cover, something that is external, that makes it hard to function. Source.
It’s concealed. Contagious. Dangerous.
My feelings of shame show up daily either as something new or a bad memory on repeat.
Every time I make a mistake at work. Imposter syndrome kicks in. I must suck at my entire job if I make mistakes still. Why should anyone pay me? How can I ever earn more? Which leads to…
When I don’t hit my financial goals. How can I be an actual, viable business if I don’t meet the goals I have set for myself? What am I not scaling correctly that I am missing that mark? How can I be considered an equal in contributing to my family?
When a loved one says rude things about me publicly but for some reason can’t say a single nice thing to others. Our wedding was in 2015 and now, four years later, I’ve still never watched our wedding videos so I don’t have to relive a speech that was given or calculated actions that were taken by an important family member of mine. Saying those things privately are still difficult for this person.
Then shame for knowing my parents paid for a majority of that day and they’re my parents and I should forgive them. For the most part they’re only repeating actions that happened in their childhood. They don’t know any better.
Shame of my body and what it can and can’t do. How it had worked, not worked, failed, prevailed, surprised me, was violated and how it was and is currently reacting to those memories.
Shame from a life of being told I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, worth enough…then the situations that I either found myself in or created for myself to only confirm that. I felt ashamed for the physical, mental and emotional abuse I had received and the blame others put on me. The most traumatic situations only few others ever know (or believe) me in my life. And I was ashamed and angry because evil actions outside of my control had happened to me.
Trust me. That can put you in a dark place. While I found myself in several shameful lows in my life, the darkest found me once in high school and once again in July 2019. Which is why I want to reiterate that you are not alone in this like I so often believe. You are not the only one who has experienced the things you’ve experienced.
For the third time in my life, I tried counseling. After two sessions earlier in my life I never returned and was extremely disappointed in the reaction and helplessness the counselors provided me.
I won’t say every thought or belief that I had written down in the sessions but I can tell you the prevailing themes were basically worthlessness, shame and undeserving.
There’s so much we experienced as a child that end up being reinforced in our adult lives. Things that were once filed as a “Save As: Worthlessness” in our mind. In elementary school, middle school, high school, college and as an adult I’ve absorbed every traumatic or inaccurate experience. And I dwell on it. The worst of it comes from those closest to us or any physical escalation and, because of that, the thought of going back to surround myself with people who lie, yell, tear each other down and much more bring MAJOR stress and anxiety.
I narrowed this down after doing an exercise of writing down the ten most distressing events that came to mind. I came up with 11 right off the bat. Then I rated them 0-10, 10 being most distressing, 0 being least distressing. Most were 7-10 which made sense being I had to think of the most distressful. The next step is continuing EMDR treatment.
I obviously do best processing things through words but I encourage you to at least try this.
Every time I was told I was fat, nonathletic, stupid, out of control, unworthy of my husband, going to mess something up, a/n *insert any derogatory word*, or any time I was torn down and compared.
Shame is the feeling that something is wrong with you. After years of being told “You’re ___” I attached every word or descriptor as who I was. Not how that person was feeling that day. If you tell a kid “You’re bad/good” they will believe it. It’s definitive. Instead, say something like “That was a bad choice you made.” That’s more accurate and teaches us that we make choices; good or bad. After hearing for years I was bad, I believed it.
Maybe I made a bad decision but I am not a bad person. You’re not either.
I’ve learned that control and shame are closely connected. As someone who has always yearned to feel safe by having some form of control, this makes sense to me. Every time I released control to someone who was supposed to love or protect me, I was hurt. Intentionally or accidentally. Sometimes that would mean I was reaching out, screaming, asking for help and either wasn’t believed or wasn’t taken seriously. I was punished for seeking help, for opening up, for telling the truth. So I said “Damned either way” and we can all imagine the loneliness and chaos that can result in.
The adage (yes, I’ve been annoyed by it, too) ‘You can’t control what happens but you can control how you react to it.’ That’s tough for me to understand and not get defensive especially when I feel the negativity rising up again.
I’m learning who is in my tribe and who to cut, or ease back from, in relationships. I no longer have to be surrounded by negative, condescending, yelling, rude or worse. I no longer have to seek the approval, protection, or disappointment of being let down because of who I chose to surround myself with. Those are usually the same people who choose to actively be in my life. If I feel like I let them down, that’s completely internal. It’s also not my job to make others happy.
I’m learning the balance of putting other’s behavior and comments back on them because of what they are choosing to say or do; and how it has nothing to do with me. It’s a big deal to me to say happy birthday, happy anniversary or check-in during life events. When some of my best friends and a loved one I needed there for me didn’t check in after an important surgery, that hurt like hell. Honestly. It felt like they didn’t care. Like I wasn’t important enough to be in their life.
Or in business when I was doing a good job, I knew I was because, if nothing else, the numbers were proving it. But they didn’t want to acknowledge that. So instead I was brought down or diminished in some way. Because they couldn’t have more than themselves be successful. If you’re the smartest one in the room, you’re in the wrong room. You should strive to surround yourself by people who are different (note: not better) than you to help each other grow. Collaborations are key!
By seeking external validation from authority, competition, finances…I was always let down because so much was out of my control. Again, control and shame are good friends so it makes sense I have had a much more satisfied and happily fulfilled life since starting my own business. If you’re wanting to experience that as well, let’s talk.
Did you know if you’ve ever said or done something to someone that they’re probably repeating that in their mind to this day? I strongly suggest reaching out to someone if you feel remorseful for any bad words, feelings or situations you’re hanging on to.
There is always a battle someone is fighting that you know nothing about.
You get it. And shame has no place in my life or yours. Forgiveness is essential. I will never forget all the ways I have been wronged and in the most traumatic or devastating situations, it definitely feels like I can’t forgive them. I’ve found I am extremely good (not that that’s a good thing) at blocking out the bad memories, joking around them or doing anything but forgiving them.
I can find certain things to forgive over. I can forgive you for saying or acting that way because you were raised and know no better. I can forgive you for a snappy, rude comment because I have been there before. You’re not mad at me, you’re mad at a situation. I can forgive people who don’t put in the same effort I put in to our relationship because that gave me an answer as to where I fall on their priority list. I react accordingly.
In her book, Jillian said that being pro-active is a stress buster. She says you can always take steps to either avoid the bad thing happening or being able to handle it when it does. This pro-active planning can fill the need a lot of us have when it feels like we have little control.
As a military family, we control nothing it feels like. We have little to no control ever on where we go, when we go, where we live or at what price…it feels like a life of settling. Especially when it comes to my self-worth that I so closely relate to my career and my ability to make money. I want to feel like an influential part of this team not like I am along for the ride.
I also know I chose an adventurous life with my husband, wherever that takes us, and it’s the only way we can be together. It can be lonely, disappointing, confusing and frustrating. Even coming in to this life knowing big-picture what it would entail doesn’t make it easier when it comes time to face those things. When things out of our control happen, we always aim to find the best out of the situation. The biggest blessings we have had so far have been from things that started out as disappointments.
I love that quote. It found me at the perfect time so I hope it does the same for you. Lastly, if you’re struggling, I get you. I am here to talk. I know what it’s like to feel at your lowest low. I deal with business owners every day who are unsure about moving forward and putting themselves out there with their business idea for fear of being shamed by others. To which I will say…
You are a human.
You are strong, confident and capable of absolutely anything.
You are worthy. You’re worthy of being loved and respected.
You’ve got a hell of a lot to offer. If you need help seeing that, please reach out to me.
Cheers!
Marin
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